Severus-kitty was undeniably peeved for the moment.

For the moment.

He was usually quite pleased with himself. He lived in a lovely house and he possessed two quite nice humans who treated him like the royalty he was. There was no doubt in his mind that he was obviously superior to any and all who entered his domain, or there never before had been. He sincerely doubted that there ever would be any superior to him.

He was, naturally, the king of all he surveyed. Often, he glared at his humans from high places where he hadn't ought to be and sharpened his claws on their couch. Occasionally, they gave him catnip, and he made an idiot out of himself and was thus grouchy with them for days.

His humans found this to be 'cute'.

Revenge often included standing outside of their bedroom door and yowling at odd hours of the night before scampering under a cupboard to feign sleep. He enjoyed making them miserable in that way after they'd made such a fool out of him. And waking them up very early in the morning by kneading and pricking his claws into every soft spot on their bodies made him feel positively *smug*.

At least it had.

Right up until they had bought...

The KITTEN.

It was a rather cute thing. A disturbingly cute thing, in fact; a thing with much blond hair and tilted grey eyes; a thing that had a grand fondness for jumping on him from small dark places.

Since its arrival, he'd become a very paranoid cat, threatened by its presence. The obnoxious midnight yowlings had ended as the rivalry for attention of the two humans had begun. The kitten was cute, and peeked, and snuck, and played, while *he* perched atop the coffee table and licked his paws between moments of daintily dipping them into the dark-haired human's water glass when he wasn't looking.

The new cat made him infinitely jealous. Naturally the new cat *adored* him.

Particularly his twitchy little tail when it dropped off the edge of said coffee table.

His humans cooed over the kitten and how adorable it looked, particularly when it gave them that smug, catty little smile that seemed to scream, "Love me!" Severus-kitty *hated* the kitten right down to the name declared on its little green jingly-bell collar.

Draco.

Once, he supposed, he'd been a kitten. Infinitely more regal, though, and not prone to fits of waving his paws around maniacally in the air for a shoestring that of *course* the humans would never let him keep.

That was the game they were playing just then. Take the string from the fool, Severus-kitty liked to think of it, as he folded his paws under himself to lay and watch the kitten.

If it got any cuter, he swore he'd choke up a hairball. Preferably in the middle of his humans' bed.

They wore it out eventually, and the kitten meowed up at him, wanting to snuggle on the tabletop with him. He certainly hoped it wouldn't make its way up there, as the height seemed to defy the clumsiness of the creature, but then the black-haired human picked the thing up and placed it down beside him.

Severus-kitty *hissed*. For his trouble, the bigger of the two male humans rapped him on the nose, which sent him skittering back off of the table. He didn't want to share his space with the creature, and he didn't have to! He'd just find someplace where the humans wouldn't put the kitten.

That was more difficult than it looked, in the end. They chased him off of various tabletops and countertops, made him come out from under the bed. His humans, he decided, were all sadists, every last one of them.

Finally, he perched awkwardly in the center of the living room floor, and then shifted from sitting to laying. Neatly, of course, until all of that leaping and chasing caught the better of him, and he slumped forwards just to lay his head down on the carpet for a moment.

He somehow wasn't surprised to feel the little blond kitty snuggling up against him with a loud, raucous purr, tiny kitty hands clutching him tightly.

Stupid kitten.

He cracked open his eyes, and glared at both humans. But now neither were paying either he or the kitten any attention, their eyes fixed on a movie. For a moment, he glanced over his shoulder at it, then nudged at the kitten to wake it up.

It opened those big grey eyes and gave him that smug little smile and promptly licked his nose.

Argh!

He recoiled, and growled low in his throat to tell the creature off, before batting the side of its fuzzy head. Hopefully the humans were too engrossed in their movie to stop him...

Great, fat tears welled up in the kitten's eyes and it promptly set up a wailing yowl that attracted the attention of *both* of Severus-kitty's humans.

"Severus!" the tawny-haired one said. "Bad kitty, bad kitty! You've made Draco cry!"

He gave an unhappy yowl of his own, and shot to his feet, before miserably stalking off away from the kitten. He'd just find a corner to curl up in, if they were going to be like *that* with him. And he'd plot instead of sleep. He had to reclaim his household from the beast, after all.

One way...

Or another!

~~~~~

The fact of the matter was that Draco-kitty was rather pleased with himself. He'd been quite gratified when he'd come home from the pet-store, the exorbitant price the owner had demanded for him paid. He'd been even *more* delighted when he'd discovered Severus-kitty.

Ohhh, Draco-kitty *loved* Severus-kitty -- Severus-kitty was so serious. So dark. So brooding. So utterly marvelously magnificently fun to play with!

Now, if only Severus-kitty felt the same way about him. It was discouraging, he supposed, but he was not a kitty prone to discouragement. If anything, he was prone to too much determination. Severus-kitty WOULD love him before he was done!

He only had to catch Severus-kitty off guard, catch him in a happy moment and keep him there. That was the hard part, he supposed. The brooding seldom seemed to end, even when one human gave them both a treat of wet food. There was a moment's pleased yowl, but then he daintily cleaned his sheet of paper, and trotted off to the litter before he'd tried to make himself disappear in the bowels of the house again.

Draco-kitty was DETERMINED to win Severus-kitty over despite himself.

His tail twitched as he quietly snuck closer and closer and closer to the dark-haired Severus-kitty so close by. Oh, how badly he wanted to pounce. Oh, how badly he wanted to play!

Draco-kitty sprang up and dropped down just behind Severus-kitty with a playful squeak of noise, sending the half-napping cat rocketing off of the floor and up onto a near by table, tail puffed out like the cottonballs Draco-kitty liked to eat sometimes.

It didn't stop with the jump -- it stopped with loud hissing, and a threatening paw swiping at the air as if to swipe at Draco-kitty's nose.

Today was obviously not Draco-kitty's day to win Severus-kitty over to his way of thinking. Meekly, he dropped onto his belly and brought his little paws up to cover his head, trembling at the threat. Oh, if only Severus-kitty would like him as much as *he* liked Severus-kitty!

Silently, the black cat dropped to the carpet, and once more took a threatening pose, paw out ready to bat the kitten's head. They were out of sight of the humans, after all, so he could get away with it. How *dare* that thing try to rule his house?

"What do you think you're doing?" he mrred quietly at the kitten.

"I want to play with you and make you happy!" the kitten managed to whimper out in a little purr of sound.

"Leave me alone," the dark cat huffed, "and that would make me very happy." Severus-kitty turned then, tail high in the air, and started to stalk away from the kitten.

Frustrated, Draco-kitty's tail whipped back and forth as he peeked up from beneath his paws, pout visibly crossing his lips. "Ooooo," he declared in irritation before promptly pouncing Severus-kitty's tail.

He gained a yowl, and Severus-kitty twisted, pulling his tail out of the kitten's grasp. The paw raised again, slammed down atop the kitten's head. "No, no, don't DO that!" he hissed, loud enough to draw the attention of the humans.

"WAHHHHH!!!!! Draco-kitty yowled, great tears welling up again. It was disgustingly predictable that the humans would come in at just the moment the kitten began to cry.

"BAD Severus! Bad, bad, bad!" his black-haired human declared with a stomp of his foot.

He gave a skittish look up to the human, growled in the back of his throat, and started to stalk away. They never caught the kitten making *his* life miserable, oh no...

"Oh, don't be so mean to poor Severus!" the smaller human sighed, leaning down and picking him up. He didn't *like* being picked up, but he suffered it beautifully. "Imagine if *you* were face to face with an adorable puppy who took all of the attention away from *you*!"

A small, almost pathetic yowl left him, but he did lean into nimble fingers when they started to scratch his chin. That was nice -- not the being picked up part, but the scratching part.

"That's why I have you," the black-haired human declared, leaning close to kiss his companion with the Draco-kitty clutched in his arms.

Severus tipped his head up just then, sniffing the man's chin and killing a decidedly romantic moment. "We should have had him... you know... snip-snipped.," the black-haired human grumbled, causing Draco-kitty to squeak in disapproval and cross his legs, little arms waving frantically in fear at that word.

"Even if we did it, it's too late to really bother. Anyway, you were the one who didn't like the idea of balls getting snipped off. We can always neuter the kitten..." the lighter haired man suggested, kissing his lover on the nose before setting Severus down quite carefully on the sofa.

The black-haired man seemed to think about it, holding the kitten to his chest. "He's shaking just hearing the word!" the human said. "Trembling all over! I couldn't do it!"

"Don't complain to me when he sprays the edges of the litter box," his mate chided. "Put him on the sofa -- he and Severus *have* to learn to get along."

"If Severus wasn't so cranky..."

Severus-kitty yowled at them both, as he started to curl himself up on a cushion. His attitude had never been an issue before. There was, of course, the kitten to contend with and compare him against, and compared to that fluffball...

Well.

Severus just wasn't measuring up in cuteness anymore, obviously.

Draco-kitty made little snuffling noises as the big black-furred human put him down on the couch. It was obvious that Severus-kitty didn't want to play with him, and oh, if he played too much, they might give him the horrible snip-snip! He'd heard about the snip-snip, of course, from the Harry-kitty who'd used to hiss at him in their pet store home. The Harry-kitty had said that they cut out all of your boy bits and left you sore and aching and sad and that you didn't want to play anymore; that you just wanted to laze about and get fat in a sunbeam.

Of course, the Harry-kitty had also said that the Draco-kitty was the most evil kitty in existence, so obviously he didn't know *everything*.

Severus-kitty perched on that cushion for a few long moments, warily eyeing the kitten, before he started to lick one paw in a very dignified manner. The humans were going about being humanly, which was fine with him, and perhaps the kitten would stay his distance.

The kitten mewled softly, frightened. "They wouldn't really cut them out, would they? This other kitten said they would..."

"Of course they won't. They didn't do it to me," Severus-kitty sniffed, turning his paw lightly around to lick between his toes. What was he saying? He should've told the kitten that of COURSE he was going to end up neutered, and that the humans would do it with that cruddy knife they used to pry things out of the toaster.

The alleviation of worry in the kitten was obvious, and he draped himself against Severus-kitty in relief. "You won't let them do the snip-snip?" he asked, trembling and hiding against the older cat.

"No," he grumbled, pausing in his paw cleaning. "Unless you make me angry again. Then they might snip us both."

The kitten covered his adorable little head and gave a shaky meow of horror. "Oh, don't be angry with me again! I'm afraid of the snip-snip!"

"Then act a little more dignified," Severus sniffed, lowering his slightly damp paw to lay it atop the kitten's head.

"But dignified means not having any fun," the kitten sighed, lips poking out. Still, he enjoyed his present head-washing as Severus-kitty petted him a bit.

"What do *you* consider fun?" Severus-kitty asked him, lifting his paw to lick it again, before transferring that back to the kitten.

"Oooooo," Draco-kitty purred, squirming delightedly underneath his bath. The only thing better than a bath was someone else doing the bathing. "String," he purred. "And jingly things. And rolling about."

"And rolling around trying to get a ball on a string," Severus-kitty grumbled, looking intently down at the kitten before he decided to pin it and properly clean its ears and head. The daft little creature never seemed to do it himself.

Little shrieks spilled from the blond kitten, mostly glee, but the humans only laughed and petted them both and went to bed, leaving them alone on the couch.

"My ears!" the kitten squeaked. "You're tickling my ears!"

"They're dirty," Severus-kitty chided, one paw holding the kitten still on the cushion as he licked its ears, then went back to cleaning the top of its head until the fur looked damp and silly. "You've done nothing but play and run since you arrived here."

Draco-kitty was all ashiver. "I bathed," he protested, but he was actually quite enjoying the licking. Mmmm, it was even better than when the Ron-kitty had licked him. Come to think of it, that was probably why the Harry-kitty had said he was evil and threatened him with the horror of snip-snip...

"When, between bouts of flipping our crunchies into the water dish, or while you were hanging from the loud one's shoe-laces?" The kitten didn't *taste* particularly clean. He smelled, in fact, like aftershave and litter dust.

The kitten mewed happily as Severus-kitty's rough tongue started licking at his neck. "Ohhh, you don't like it when the crunchies get water, too?" Draco kitty liked it when the crunchies went soggy. It felt better to his little teeth. "Ohhh, I like being bathed," he purred.

"Clean fur is very important, or else you'll smell no better than those strays that wander outside." That was mrred between licked, little chiding noises finishing up his sentence as he licked over the kitten's shoulders. "You should learn to do a better job on yourself..."

"I like the way *you're* doing it," Draco-kitty encouraged, little bare shoulder shrugging happily beneath that tongue. "Ooo... Should I bathe you?"

"You'll just slobber all over me, but I suppose I should permit it. No more tackling my tail any more, though! I'll have none of that!" Severus-kitty couldn't help but hiss part of that last part, before flattening his ears a little as he shifted to lay down for the kitten.

With a pitiful mew of acquiescence, the Draco-kitty began to lick at one of Severus's arms enthusiastically. "Oooo," he agreed happily. "If I can help you bathe, no more tail-tackling!"

"You're slobbering," Severus-kitty sighed, rolling onto his side a little as if that would fix the problem that Draco-kitty was fond of using too much tongue.

Instead, it just landed him pretty little kisses on his bare belly, which made him a bit squirmy. "Mmmmm," Draco-kitty purred. "I'll bet you'll like the Ron-kitty's idea..."

"What did that other pet shop creature tell you?" Severus-kitty scoffed, even as he rolled a little. It was relaxing, at least... Well, that was the excuse he could use. After all, the humans had gone to bed, so no one would see him.

Draco-kitty seemed rather... SMUG. "I'll show you," he mrred, and promptly began licking down Severus-kitty's belly and towards his bits. Mmm, nice, un-snip-snipped bits...

~~~~~

There was a hard desk jammed up against his back, the edge clutched in white-knuckled fingers as he moaned throatily, head tossed back. "Uhm, lick right there, yes, *there*..."

Despite everything, the sound of a few cleared throats, stifled snickers and no few *sighs* came very close to breaking his concentration... Right up until Draco's mouth closed around him through the cloth of his trousers.

He jerked his hips frantically forward, then eked out, "No, they'll snip-snip us if we do that..."

The way that Draco's lips sucked at him declared that he didn't care, but the uproarious laughter that now surrounded the two of them certainly *did* catch Severus's attention. It caught his attention, and it *mortified* him.

His eyes darted about frantically for a moment, and then he actually looked at the room. Students, and the headmaster standing perfectly shocked in the doorway. That made him drop a hand to Draco's head, against his will, and push at the boy's head.

The sound Draco gave was remarkably *akin* to a meow. "But I want to," he sniffled, bringing a hand up to bat it at his cheek as if it were a paw.

It seemed strangely *right* for a moment, but Severus pulled himself together enough to turn Draco's head towards the classroom itself. "Draco."

For a moment, that blank, kittenish look remained in grey eyes before they snapped wide and a gasp spilled from the boy's throat. "Oh, FUCK!"

"Weasley..." Severus's voice clutched for the accusation he halfway had on his lips. "I *TOLD* you to use half an ounce of kittens' whiskers!"

"Well," Ron said a bit queasily, "I think if I had a choice I'd use even less than that. Ugh..."

Draco felt atop his head desperately to be sure there were no kitten ears even as the rest of the class -- those brave enough to remain behind and watch, anyway -- tittered.

"Get out!" Severus swiped a hand at them all, trying to gesture them out of the room -- but it was amusingly cattish, and it gained him another handful of laughs before students finally started to slink out.

"Ah, yes. Indeed, most interesting afternoon," Dumbledore said from the door, trying to stifle his own snickers. "I trust Mr. Weasley's mistake will be corrected."

"In *detention*," Severus agreed sharply, as he pushed away from Draco, the desk, and readjusted his vaguely damp robes.

"Haaaa..." Draco managed to squeak out, eyes still huge.

"Well, then," Dumbledore said happily as the last student left the room, "I shall leave the two of you to gather yourselves together." The sparkle in his eyes was nigh on a beam.

"Headmaster, I can explain -- I'm sure the students tried, but that damned Weasley..." The cauldron had bubbled over, then exploded, and the next thing he knew, he was meowing and under the impression that he was owned by Sirius Black and Remus Lupin.

Not to mention giving Draco Malfoy a tongue bath.

"No need to explain, no need," Dumbledore said delightedly. "Just take care of matters, Severus." He coughed. After all, Severus's trousers were still partially undone.

"Merlin." Severus seemed to notice it at the very moment that Dumbledore's gaze dropped that far, and he turned away, trying to slip the button back in place over-top of a very eager hardness. "You're very obnoxious, Headmaster."

"Yes, well, enjoy your tongue bath, Severus!" the old wizard said cheerfully, and left the classroom with a wave, the door shutting behind him.

"Sir..." Draco began tentatively.

Severus lifted a hand to his forehead, and started to rub at his temples. What did one say in such a *strange* moment? "Well, Draco, that was an experience few wizards ever have the misfortune to feel."

"I don't know," Draco answered meekly. It was terribly strange of him. "I didn't think it was *that* bad..." If Severus hadn't known better, he'd have *sworn* he saw a kitty tail swishing behind the boy's back, and ears perking up in faint interest.

"We're currently the laughingstock of the school," Severus reminded, as he paced back towards the boy... who was acting oddly kittenish, or was it simply his imagination.

"So if they're already laughing..." Draco began, that little smirk creeping over his mouth chilling, particularly combined with the way his head tucked down as if he was just about to pounce.

"Merlin..." Severus started to back away, starting to say something about it being a poor idea, reckless, ridiculous... But he only yowled as Draco tackled him around the waist.

It was going to be one kittyishly *interesting* evening.